The 12 Lays of Christmas

Credit: Erin Walker/Unsplash

Looking for 12 lays this Xmas, or maybe a silent night?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, with after work drinks and office parties meaning there’s a feeling that routine life is on hold until January. But spending an unnatural amount of time with friends and relatives can also mean the chance to have it away in a manger goes out the window.

We have some tips for keeping the magic alive over Christmas, starting with 12 festive sex positions, tweaked to fit in with the comings and goings of the season

  1. The Reindeer: Perfect yuletide version of doggy for sneaking into your partner’s single bed when you’re forced to sleep in separate rooms at a relative’s place;

  2. Jingle Balls: a quick fondle when time is short between visits from relatives;

  3. Silent Night: a little light bondage after everyone in the house has gone to bed to wait for Santa could bring you ‘tie-dings’ of comfort and joy;

  4. Winter Wander-hand: hot or cold hands exploring under layers can warm you or your partner up, inside or out, whatever the weather

  5. Neck the Halls: add extra excitement under the mistletoe with passionate necking in the hallway and the possibility of being caught at any moment

  6. Let it Show, Let it Show, Let it Show: Unwrap your present early on Christmas morning before everyone wakes up with a striptease from your partner or even a nip slip when no-one’s looking.

  7. Ding Dong Merrily on High: creep upstairs to the top of the house while everyone watches the Eastenders Christmas special downstairs;

  8. In the Sleek Midwinter: just remember to pack extra lube to ensure frosty winds really do made moan

  9. Licking around the Christmas Tree: dance your tongue to your favourite holiday song

  10. Sleigh Ride: while everyone else is watching out for Father Christmas in the night sky, sneak off to the car for some fun

  11. Stocking Filler: When time is short and there’s the risk of getting caught, keeping tights or trousers half on gives you more time to linger than spend it worrying about where you flung each other’s clothes in the spare room.

  12. When Santa Got Stuck up the Chimney: Not exactly what you might be going for, but our blog post might give you a few tips on anal play if you’re trying this for the first time.

But if you’re away from home in unfamiliar places, it helps to know where you can quickly and discreetly get help in case of any, er, mishaps.

Above all, remember that access to contraception or protection from STIs may not be as accessible. So whether it’s packing extra ‘Christmas wrapping’ in the form of condoms or making sure you’re not about to run out of your contraception pills, plan ahead.

Emergency contraception (the morning after pill) can be bought over the counter without a prescription in most chemists. Use the NHS Find a Pharmacy to locate the nearest one to where you are.

If you’re on PrEP via the IMPACT trial, make sure you have enough to last you over the holidays because opening hours of your nearest GUM clinic may vary.

Otherwise, ordering online from places may be something to consider, but there can be delays with shipping so get any orders in early in case delivery is slowed down before Christmas. Try www.iwantprepnow.co.uk, for example.

PEP should be available via A&E, should you need it.

Meanwhile, our STI testing kits can be ordered daily wherever we’re commissioned, subject to availability, and if not then there’s always Fettle, our commercial brand, and your kit will be with you quicker than Santa can get down your chimney.